Pelicula Noche
by Dr.Funke
Summary: "It won best film at Cannes!" "Here's a quater Brian, go call someone who cares!"
1. Prologo

**Disclaimer**: I own neither Gilmore Girls nor the copious pop culture references.

**Rating**: M for trips to the swear jar.

**Summary**: "It won best film at Cannes!" "Here's a quarter Brian, go call someone who cares!"

**A\N**: It's either about the banality of personal freedom or three people who should really resolve to hang out less.

* * *

Prologue

(Prelude To A Night of Distinction)

"No."

"Come on."

"Not happening."

"Give it a chance."

"Are you confused by the N or the O?"

"This is a democracy Zach, and in a democracy-"

"If you quote _Star Trek_ one more time I swear to God-"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one."

"Seriously? Is Shatner paying you to plug him?"

"Dave!"

When the boy looks up from the shiny cover of _Seven Samurai_ Brain's wearing the martyr face, which is somewhere between Morgan Freeman up for parole in _Shawshank_ and sad, possibly crippled kitten. Dave glances around the abandoned video store and silently curses himself for the two seconds he gets distracted and allows his Friday night to be reduced to-

"Would you please tell Zach there's nothing wrong with expanding his horizons?"

"Would you please tell Brian there's no way I'm watching some lame ass movie about whales?"

"For the last time, Brian's voice quivers. _Whale Rider_ is not lame, the adjectives you're looking for are "funny", "moving" and "awesome."

"Dude my mom loves that movie. Dave pops a Sour Patch Kid into his mouth. Yeah, no, I can't endorse that."

"It's about a girl finding herself in the face of a misogynistic society lead by an unforgiving patriarch. Spoiler alert: the patriarch is her grandfather!" Brian nods at his comrades with the confidence of one who has just bestowed the commandments of God upon ignorant farm people.

"It's an epic, emotional rollercoaster ride of movie magic."

"Really?" Zach folds his arms across his chest.

Brian narrows his eyes and sticks out his chin defiantly.

"I'm just saying, if you're hell bent on becoming a chick why don't we get _Sophie's Choice_? Or _Steel Magnolias_? Or _Glitter_ Brian, how 'bout we rent _Glitter_? I mean, Zach throws his head back and spreads his arms. Just how many ways _can_ you make it a Blockbuster night?"

"Could we possibly rent something _before_ you guys dance fight?" Dave nibbles on a lime green Sour Patch Kid.

"I think I saw _Terms of Endearment_ in the new classics."

"She is the only girl in that entire village who wants to ride whales; but can she? No, It doesn't matter how much she wants it, or how good she is at that ancient stick fighting thing they do, its never gonna happen because of her chromosomes."

"You know, if we're just trying to make me hemorrhage, Zach nods. How 'bout Pauley Shore? Huh? _Son in Law_, _Biodome_, we'll make it a festival."

"The whale helps her become who she is, Brian's quiver rises. It's a metaphor for life!"

"You mean Lifetime?"

"Dude, what else did you get?" Dave sighs. The bespectacled boy instinctively hugs the pile of DVD's to his chest like they're newly rescued Guatemalan refugees.

"_The Constant Gardener_."

"Estrogen." Zach coughs.

"_Being John Malkovich_." Brian mutters through gritted teeth.

"Oh yeah, an ugly Cameron Diaz and John Malkovich in a dress, my night's complete."

"_Ghost World_."

"I'm drowning in estrogen back here."

"Was I talking to you Roger Ebert?" Brian cries.

"Easy, Dave slides between them and pats his heavily breathing comrade on the shoulder. Just pretend he's not here, he nods at the last DVD and smiles encouragingly. Now that looks decent man, what's that?"

"_Mirror Mask_." Brain sniffs.

"Liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called _The Labyrinth_."

Brian glares at Zach who grins at Dave who says evenly:

"Ever considered a career in suicide outreach, Gandhi?"

**A\N:**

I'd like to thank anyone who left notes for _Toodles _or put it on their favorites list. It was more or less an out of control, Frankenstein's monster, stream-of-consciousness project and I didn't think people would read it much less enjoy it. Thank you


	2. Uno

Uno

_Track List _

_Suffragette City_- David Bowie

_Please Please Please_- The Smiths

_Sons of Anarchy_ -The Replacements

* * *

They are marooned in the Favorites aisle like doomed pirates.

The New Releases are a sham, luring you in with the promise of blurred, brightly colored covers that could be anything but are once you get within reading distance, _Save the Last_ _Dance 2_. The Classics have been ravaged (not a Hitchcock in sight), the two for a dollar section mainly consists of Meg Ryan, and the foreign films, you're _Crouching Tiger_, you're _Kung-Fu Hustle_ are all taken.

The only thing left on the shelf is a battered copy of _Kung Pow_, which it turns out, someone, is just using to house their porn.

* * *

"_Ed Wood_."

"Own it."

"_Kill Bill_."

"Saw it on cable."

"_Almost Famous_."

Dave runs a hand through his hair. "If we're going for a record."

Brian pushes his glasses up on his nose and sighs. "_Girl Interrupted_?"

"Dude!" Zach groans.

"It was poignant."

"So is the movie they're gonna make about your epic decent into womanhood."

"_Science of Sleep._"

"Veto."

"_Gladiato_r."

"Veto."

"_Thank you for Smoking._"

"Veto, Brian shudders, how many times can you see Rob Lowe in a kimono until your brain screams uncle?"

Zach scans the row. How 'bout _Life of Brian_?"

"Did you bring a scalpel? Dave raises his eyebrows. 'cause _Always Look on the Bright Side of Life _can only be removed surgically."

"This aisle's misleading." Brian looks around.

Dave shrugs. "They probably mean someone else's favorite movies. "_Boogie Nights_?"

"Dude! Zach smacks his hand against his forehead, trying to banish the image of a hairy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman dancing in his underwear. Veto!"

"We could get a Miasaki movie. Brain shrugs. _Howl's Moving_ _Castle_ or _Princess Monenoke_?"

"Not _Princess Monenoke_. Zach shudders, those giant boar things creep me out."

"Guys, we should get _Willow_!" Brian's beaming at them as though it's the first time in the history of cinema that this has been suggested. It's not so much a declaration as a barely contained ecstatic whisper with accompanying mini-squeal.

"Yeah, Dave gives him a soothing pat on the shoulder. Last time we got it 'cause you said you could handle it and you kept us up all night so we wouldn't get taken by Queen Bavmorda."

"That was a year ago. Brian snorts. I'm in a better place now."

"Still can't make it through the _Dark Crystal_." Zach murmurs.

"What was that?"

"I said "veto"…and you're a woman."

"_The House of Yes._" Dave says loudly.

"Is that the one where the chick makes out with her twin brother?"

"I think so."

"Veto."

"_Lost in Translation_."

"Veto."

"_Reservoir Dogs_."

"Got eighty percent of it memorized."

"_Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle_."

Zach hesitates mentally weighing the pros of Cameron Diaz up to standard hotness and Demi Moore in cougar mode, vs. the idiotic plotline and 70s hair that might make his brain bleed.

"Veto?"

"That took way too long, Dave grins. _No Country for Old Men_?"

"Veto. Brian sniffs. I think I'm allergic to the Coen brothers."

Zach stares at him like he's just suggested the special director's cut edition of _Gili_.

"Dude, how could you say something like that?"

The boy shrugs. "I just don't get 'em. Like _Fargo_, what was that movie even about?"

"Oh my God."

"Guys, Dave begins, in his best UN negotiator voice. I know this is hard but could we maybe try to focus just a little bi-."

"Is it because you look like Steve Buscemi?" Zach raises an eyebrow.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you look like Steve Buscemi."

Brian frowns. "That's kinda in the gray area compliment wise."

"It wasn't a compliment man."

"Wha-"

"They spend they're whole lives making awesome movies and it takes you two seconds to crap all over their legacy?"

"I just don't get why everybody's so into them." Brian shoves his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.

"I don't know dude, maybe 'cause they're fucking brilliant."

"Whatever you say man, his comrade shrugs. I think they need to go back to film school and retake that class on "subtlety."

"Oh those are air quotes? You're gonna air quote me?"

Dave rubs his eyes.

"Seriously?" Zach glances up at the ceiling as though addressing an all-knowing deity. How are we friends?"

"Oh weird, Brian snorts. Maybe 'cause I've been doing your homework since the fourth grade?"

"It was a rhetorical question Beave."

"You're deviating my septum."

"Hope it cuts off your air supply."

"Guys. Dave clasps his hands together. When he has two pairs of angry eyes cast upon him, his hands do a little Vanna White esque motion over the sleek cover of-

"_Seven Samurai_?" Zach reads out loud.

"Akira Kurosawa. Dave sighs reverently. Maybe the best samurai movie ever made."

"Veto."

"What?"

"Dude, I don't feel like reading."

"Shocking." Brian rolls his eyes.

"Sorry man can't hear you over the menopause."

"Stop calling me a woman!"

"_Jurassic Park._" Dave sighs.

"Veto."

"_Coffee and Cigarettes._"

"Veto."

"_Dear God, Its Me Margaret the Movie_."

"Yeah Dave, Zach nods, and while we're at it why don't we pick up a post _Sixth Sense_ Shamalyn film?"

"Look! Brian points. It's the _Matrix_! His joyous expression falters. Oh, its _Reloaded_."

"I don't mean to sound melodramatic, Dave nods, But it feels like we might die here."

**A\N**: Up next: Star Wars, Natalie Portman, and more baseless indecision.


End file.
